For the collection of people who enter the world of international teaching accounted for, you may have some worries about your relationship. If you are not fortunate enough to travel with your significant other, let me share a story of hope with you.
But first, let’s look at the numbers, generalised data demonstrates that long-distance relationships are not uncommon, especially for younger people venturing abroad. Further to this 60% of long-distance relationships survive!
Thus, for those of you considering how ‘risky’ this endeavour is, it is all case-by-case but hopefully, my story may help you…
My Story: Staying in Touch
When I signed my first international teaching contract for a school in Chongqing, China, it was not possible for my partner Virginia to travel with me.
Virginia had just completed her master’s degree and was starting her training year as a pharmacist. Despite this, our 3-year relationship to that date was too valuable to us to simply part ways — we decided to give long-distance a try.
Super long distance.
Almost five and a half thousand miles separate London and Chongqing with a time difference of 8 hours. This meant that I woke up as she goes to sleep, and when she woke up, I am barely finishing work, as I start my evening, she is in the middle of her workday, and as I get ready for bed she may be commuting home.
Before even thinking about seeing each other, the first hurdle was staying in touch.
Now my wife and I share a love language of touch. Whether hugging, holding hands, little kisses or just being physically present. We knew that the distance would be a challenge and that regular communication would be the most important factor for our sanity.
Though this was the truth, we quickly learnt not to overdo it.
At the start, we planned daily video chats and phone calls where we would intimately tell each other about our day… But this soon became a burden.
Moving country is incredibly tiring; though memorable and positive, your first few months are an unending barrage of new experiences and learning. For your partner at home, the separation can be even more challenging as there are not so many distractions.
Let me put it this way; teaching abroad is like starting your first year of uni. You are exposed to a whole new bunch of people, many of whom are desperate to make connections, vulnerable, and make themselves very available for social outings. This is a fantastically exciting time where many new and lifelong memories are formed.
This was definitely the experience for me, and it was critically important for me to be present during this time and fully engage with the experience. Yet, coming ‘home’ to an empty apartment exhausted and feeling obliged to get on a video chat, or cutting experiences short so that I can align through the time difference to be on a call, fast became frustrating.
I knew that allowing any resentment or feeling of a missed opportunity to be attributed to my partner would quickly lead to the end of the relationship.
During this honeymoon period of intense socialising and new experiences, it would be too easy to be swept away into the arms of a fellow traveller. Seeking solace to escape the intense loneliness which provides the backdrop to the experiences that we are having.
Virginia and I had to find a balance.
Though finding such a balance might sound contradictory, we established some simple steps as a foundation to make it work for us:
- We had to be kind to each other and ourselves without expectations
- We had to ensure that we invested in our social lives independently to provide greater stability and less dependence on each other for simple social interactions
- We had to message simply but regularly, often just photos perhaps with a caption, or a little video recording, to keep each other informed of the things we were doing so we feel connected and form memories together
- We began using voice notes! Oh, how I love voice notes.
The voice notes were the best discovery — due to the eight-hour time difference making phone calls challenging, we would each record a voice note typically every weekday where we would just mention things we had been doing and share our feelings.
It was comforting to be able to listen to her messages as I got ready for work in the morning. I would then record a quick response as I had breakfast, for her to listen to as she woke up.
Then, at the end of the day, I record a voice note or video when we can’t get on a chat, just retelling some of my experiences for her to enjoy when she gets off work.
Just speaking through my experiences, anxieties, and stresses, with the knowledge that someone I love would be listening was very therapeutic. Speaking to my phone felt like speaking directly to her and always put a smile on my face.
These messages could be a few minutes to half an hour, on days where we couldn’t do a video chat etc. The recordings generated a consistent excitement to hear from each other without the stress of obligation or juggling time to be present at the same time.
Our key focus was to maintain positive communication and not allow the cracks or stress generated by the long distance to be amplified. These cracks are easy to be filled by people who are physically present even though they may not be truly a long-term option.
Meeting in Person
Beyond this initial period of change, Virginia, even from a distance, was my most important person and link back to ‘home’. She was my confidant, free from connection to the stresses in the country, free from being tarnished by involvement in my day-to-day stresses, yet someone who knew me deeply and who was able to let me bathe in the most positive aspects of the support she offers me. She also was a physical connection to my family.
So over the phone was never going to be enough.
One of the hardest aspects of the long-distance relationship was the physical loneliness. I could go a full three months without even a real hug. The hugs you can only get from close friends and family members. As a physical person, that was one of the toughest parts.
But, I knew this would be the case, so even before I left for China, Virginia and I had our plans for our first holiday together and had already begun processing her visa application.
We managed to see each other around every 2–3 months either meeting in various countries in Asia or directly flying to see one another. Had we been closer, I would expect this would have been peppered with weekend visits etc.
We travelled extensively together, multiplying the excitement by combining it with bucket-list trips we had both wanted to do.
- Excited to go Thailand and see elephants? You also get to see your partner (in fact I planned it as her birthday treat)!
- Want to go to Japan and visit the birthplace of Miyamoto Musashi? You also get to see your partner!
- Got two weeks off for half-term to have a break? Spend it with your partner!
This approach meant that rather than lamenting over the time we are not together, we invested energy into planning amazing trips and placated our sadness with the excitement of knowing when we would next be together.
I remember during the first few months, each time my heart felt heavy, taking time to speak to my Mandarin teacher and figure out my way around Taobao and other Chinese sites to plan the most amazing visit for her when she came in October.
Now I won’t lie, with all these visits tear-filled and heartbreaking goodbyes at the airport became a regular occurrence. It always felt almost like a music video or cheesy movie but that feeling of parting ways is horrible and I don’t miss that at all.
Due to meeting in different countries and having different ‘homes’ to go to, often we would do one leg of a flight together. Then at the interchange airport, we would have connecting flights leaving from different terminals at different times in the airport making the goodbyes even more heartrending.
I remember distinctly in Manila, our flight from Boracay arrived late for my connecting flight and our lateness meant that Virginia had to leave me in a panic, not certain how I was getting home or how much it would cost.
In case you’re interested; I ended up staying in the airport for 24hrs, arguing to ensure that I didn’t have to pay anything and getting home frustrated and missing Virginia more than ever.
Channelling that frustration was a great lesson. Throughout our long-distance relationship, there were many expressions of frustration and missing each other — but due to our strong foundation, it was all manageable.
Learning about myself and how I self-care and receive affection from others was a great development during this journey.
Temptation and Cheating
Lust is fleeting and loneliness is most painful when you focus on it and ignore the other ways you can connect and receive support from people irrespective of the distance. Cheating was never a real consideration during this journey. Though ‘opportunities’ arose and temptation presented itself, honest communication and understanding quelled both conflict and desire.
Both Virginia and I had people present themselves to us in romantic ways. People we were attracted to and in the lonely absence of each other, these people were particularly attractive.
This was challenging but expected and even prior to the trip we had deep conversations about what constitutes cheating. We established what we both understand lust to be as a comparison to developing feelings or disconnect. These understandings informed our behaviour and our interactions with each other and new people.
We ensured that we were on the same page and thus were able to be honest with each other and speak about the experiences we were having with others. It was strangely relaxing to do so and be able to both vocalise the temporary nature of the attractions, while also deepening our relationship with each other in a way which made that person less attractive. Getting with that person in the short term would potentially be at the cost of my relationship with my partner — not worth it.
Virginia’s position in my heart became increasingly apparent. The hard times during our time apart demonstrated to me our ability to be patient with each other, forgive each other, and communicate our way through our stresses, temptations and concerns.
What an amazing foundation.
One year of long distance survived
After the first year of long distance, I knew that this woman would be the one I married but I also knew that we needed to be together again first. I decided not to propose while abroad because it would be too difficult to make such a gesture and then go through another heartbreaking goodbye at an airport… I wanted to be with her from that moment onwards.
So even before returning from China at the end of my second year, I was working with jewellers in London to create the ring and I proposed within three months of being back.
Through good planning, open and regular communication, and preparation for the things that we knew we would find challenging, we made it.
Now my story is unique to me but hopefully, this gives some insight into steps that you can take. The experiences shared and the growth experienced during a long-distance relationship are rich and formative.
I wish you the best and I hope that the right relationship for you presents itself through your amazing experience abroad.
About Daryl Sinclair
Daryl Sinclair is an educator, geographer, and DEIJ specialist who believes in a systems approach to educational success. He champions Systemic Equity™, taking a non-ideological approach to DEIJ (Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Justice) that focuses on practical actions and indicators of impact that create learning environments that realise the learning community’s mission. Through his writing and consultancy work with exam boards, schools, and publishers, he champions the idea that the success of leadership and DEIJ initiatives is in what we DO, not simply what we believe. Daryl’s work focuses on your journey towards consistently equitable outcomes for all members of your learning community.
Take your next step with DEIJ at www.Dsinclairwriting.com/consultancy
Connect on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/darylsinclairgeography/
